will you still love me tomorrow?

so my heart has decided to open it’s self to a new possible great love. my mind isnt convinced… ive spent the last few days pondering my insecurities and worries about my new love.

the restless nights tossing and turning… and i realized ive never risk anything for a love i wasnt sure of… i was always sure…. but in those cases i cant say ive ever stop loving them. i possibly never will…. being in love and loving a person unconditionally are two different things. i understand that sometimes relationships with lovers don’t always last forever but just because our relationship ends it doesnt mean our love has to…. of course im not still in love with you but i’ll always love you… if that makes any sense. the memories you gave… the good times.. sad times.. the times when you were by my side when it seemed like no one else was….. for that i will always love you. if you ever needed me i’d always be there for you…. its such a horrible thing to see love turned in to hate… ive never understood it and never will.

when my friends ask me if i have a dream… i always tell them no. the only things i dream about are the impossible. lol love is my reality and i love finding a connection with a human being that may seem beyond the normal… once you invest the time… the effort in knowing someone… the magic of love occurs.

i love him… but is it enough? i know the road is a long one for us.. but it’s already a beautiful idea… of all that could be… granted we’re willing to fight for it.

and i know he’s worth it…. and i know i will….

so what am i waiting on? that i dont know…. so im spending a few days in my own little daze… daydreaming. …. love is so amazing.

THE HEART OF THE SEA

til then i wasn’t alive… i long for you like the love sick moon pulls the tide… – corinne bailey rae – diving for hearts

i never knew you were standing on the shore and since everything explains everything and then from then on it couldn’t be just like before and since everything changes everything so don’t just stand there wishing your life would fade away - corinne bailey rae – the sea

” the sea doesn’t just exceed it breaks everything.. crushes everything.. cleans everything.. takes everything from me”

you could say i love things and people i shouldn’t i think you’d say those things because you couldn’t. hard to say how many times I’ve felt this way… sometimes love leads my heart astray I’m just waiting for the day it’ll stay…I’m so tired of circumstances taking my chances away … so as i lay awake trying to shake away the heart ache… for future love sake im going to take and try to make the best of what you gave me… you saved me and helped me see things more clearly…. but im wishing you were here to share this with me<3

i love her new album " the sea" it releases jan 26 in america and if may differ in other countries. i previewed it online… its something i do before buying my music. i support independent and my favorite mainstream artist she happens to be one. i think i love this album way more than the first. support her beautiful music

the youth of the future

every hour 57 teenagers attempt to kill themselves.

woke up in the early hours of the day watching one of hbo’s eye opening documentaries “middle school confessions”.

1. the first story i watched of 13 year old puerto rican inner city youth from NYC. cutting classes, hanging out to 2AM, smoking and drinking. FATHER? in prison for drug related charges. mother seems to be struggling to understand what has happen to her son to change him.

this sounds all too familiar and cycle for broken homes of the inner city youth. a single mother having to deal with the fact she can’t teach her son how to be a man so he must go out and experience life for himself. wanting to protect him from making the wrong choices that would put him in a fucked up situation and feeling helpless when she reaches out to the sources who are suppose to provide her with outlets to help. (which changes nothing just gives him more reason to lie to her) so in the process she gives in and lets him go but still comes running when he lands himself in trouble.

i personally grew up in a single parent home ( my mother raised us) and i can say from observation it is not easy for a woman to raise a man and any single mother out there who is. much respect towards you. especially growing up in the poorest neighborhoods of america. i was fortunate enough to have an older brother who was far more distant than others would have been at his age. he didn’t do so well in sports and he was much more into video games, action figures, building,breaking, and fixing things lol ( that we broke ). hanging around older male cousins who were always getting in trouble they never wanted him to tag along so they would leave him behind or tell him to go home. my brother was far too sensitive i think but i never paid it much attention tv was a creative outlet for A LOT of activities we made up, THANKFULLY nothing too major we couldn’t fix before my mother got home. we weren’t allowed to play outside after school with friends, no phone calls and showered and in bed at 9. left home to baby sit his baby sisters, he had high expectations to protect us at all cost. LOL BUT IT FELT LIKE WE WERE PROTECTING HIM. i could remember boys wanting to fight my brother when we walked home and my sister being so little and helpless i knew they were picking on him and i didn’t like it. so i told my sister to start picking up rocks on the walk home. one afternoon 2 boys came up pushing my brother to the ground punching him. he got one off of him while the other took cheap shots. my sister didn’t understand a thing starts to cry. and i just start to chuck books at the boys until they ran. so he became the boy with the “crazy sister” hahaha. as time went on my mom got my brother into a lot of programs and he started to take karate classes. i remember him practicing on me! lol i won’t say i had much of a protective big brother where i could say ” leave me alone or i’ll get my brother to beat you up” but in the best sense he was at his sisters aid and their friend who would play any game they asked him to. but growing up to become a man became difficult in the years he was figuring how to be one when you don’t see one. my mom got him jobs at a young age always kept him busy to keep trouble away from him and im proud to say my brother has never been to jail or involved in any crimes. so my mom got lucky id say she raised a good man without one.

2. the second story was about a group of kids who are homosexual kids discovering they were different and being attracted to females/males of the same sex and how to deal with those emotions of their heterosexual classmates and coming out to their parents.

my first interaction with a homosexual where i could understand the situation was in 8th grade. a girl named tiffany. i just left military school at the time and entered public school again. so i got a chance to meet a different group of kids who weren’t necessarily IN CONTROL. i will never forget the day she came out to me over the phone. she dressed like a tomboy in her school uniform but i never paid it much mind because i had a straight friend who did also, so it wasn’t really apparent to me. i was okay with the situation and she started to tell more girls no one seemed to care. she was still tiffany… at first the situation became more tense when she told me she liked me, i truthfully didn’t know how to deal with the situation and i felt awkward. she clearly knew i wasn’t gay and i wasn’t going to feel the same way, so i spoke to other friends about it. in time she moved on to another girl her name was Tanya she was mixed girl with A WHOLE LOT OF BODY. the situation went from awkward to BAD. at lunch and Tanya got some ketchup on her finger so tiffany blurts out ” YOU LOOK LIKED YOU JUST FINGERED A GIRL WITH HER PERIOD” okay we were disgusted, this made things tense from then on… IT GOT WORST. she started inappropriately touching girls asses and boobs so there were alot of complaints about sexual harassment, the girls were called into to the office to speak to an officer about tiffany’s behavior and i simply felt like a traitor turning my friend in for all the things she was doing. truthfully she was just like the boys and it didn’t matter how much we wanted to still be cool with her… we couldn’t.

i knew since a young age i never had a problem with people being gay i saw it just as people liking different things nothing to make a big deal over. but i think at a young age being gay should controlled just like sex. im not saying you should hide yourself from the world but when you pressure people into things or have your sexual preference on display many parents don’t teach their kids about tolerance and understanding. to be perfectly honest the world is cruel to a lot of homosexuals. a lot of kids who were very open ended up being victims to hate crimes,murders or discrimination.

QUESTION: do i want my child to be gay?

i’ll answer honestly. NO and not because i see a problem with being gay it’s simply because i know all of the things my child will suffer through and the hardships he or she will face and feeling like an outsider and not normal. IF the time comes and my child is gay i will deal with it but no parent wants their kid to ever be placed in situation where the world discriminates against them. fighting for rights to be married.. to be happy and to live.. i proudly support gay rights and all my gay and bisexual friends.

3. the 3rd story was about a self proclaimed “red neck” from another broken poor home. with anger management and hygiene issues. knowing the fact that his father wants nothing to do with him, while going to school seeing his half brothers and being teased by them. his classmates ” the rich white kids” said he didn’t wear ” Abercrombie & Fitch and smelled” oh and let’s not for get one had the nerve to say ” HE’S UGLY”

” WHEN YOU’RE TREATED LIKE SHIT YOU TEND TO TREAT PEOPLE LIKE SHIT “ i got this kids story and i understood every bit of it. i can’t relate to all of it but i dealt with a lot of anger issues as a kid. i got into fights and reacted very poorly towards people so people tend to assume you’re bitch because of your actions never knowing or asking how or why things are that way. sadly enough this kid sees his father in a store and he turns his back on him and walks away in tears he hides his face from the cam. that part made me highly upset at the coward father of his. i may have had a part time father but i knew one thing he loved me and he was proud when he was there. but the missed bdays,holiday made me bitter and angry he robbed me of those special moments many times so i had a lot of years of built up anger. the youth of the america suffers from this problem and a lot of them end up doing a lot horrible things to people or to themselves so i believe it must be met head on. not just seeking the help of counselors and other people who are not a part of the problem because i felt very out of place talking to a person who knew nothing of what i was going through but felt like they could tell me what was exactly wrong with me. i wish i could of confronted my problems with the people who were causing them and ask why and not be told to forget about it and move on. i wanted answers then and i still do. a child should be told the truth even if it hurts because it’s always better than living with a lie and discovering the shocking truth in the end… don’t save them from the pain because it’ll be worst later.

the last story was about a kid who was suffering from depression and had thoughts of committing suicide. unlike the other story he comes from a middle class family with both parents, been picked out and left as an outcast from friends and just feeling alone and having nothing to live for.

i won’t share my personal experience with this because that is way too personal and too much to discuss in my blog. but over time the world has become more aware of kids dealing with depression and suicide. how does a parent help a kid ? why does depression occur? will the meds help? all questions we tend to think we know the answers too. i truthfully don’t believe we do but this is something i believe the only way of getting that child out of depression is to let them see what life has to offer show them there is more to the world. i was fortunate enough to see that and my story is a sad one but im still here and im glad i became strong enough to get over the hardships of my life.

closing out this LONG BLOG ENTRY with this. if you’re not involved with the youth of america or your country. you should become in some way involved not every kid is fortunate to come from a loving home or have siblings to help them deal. some times the people put there to help them aren’t necessarily the best ones to help them. we need more mentors out in the world giving back to youth of our future.

MISTER PRESIDENT

SO I SAW THIS ON MY FRIEND DRE’S FACEBOOK AND I HAD TO COMMENT ON IT. HERE IS A LITTLE OF WHAT WAS SAID. ;] WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON IT?

Title: Just Another Puppet.
Artist: LATruthSeeker
Location: Art Whino at National Harbor.
Thoughts: I couldnt have put this intobetter words myself. LOVE it. – DRE

Mandurugo Arielle

explain why you feel that way?

Dré Buzzworthy Cuz he just like every president before you is just a figure. a symbol of power but not actually running ish. i feel like he was chosen for a reason being his skin color to win over the heart or minorities in america in which he has done a great job at doing hah

Mandurugo Arielle

i can concur with some of that statement but not all of it. i don’t truly believe he chose to run for president to become a puppet. everyone has an opinion on what president should be like with high expectations. but the fact of the matter is running a country isn’t easy. politics will always be a pile of tricks to me when money and power is … See More involved you can expect a lot of corruption and deception. but i believe truthfully barack was our best bet out of the running candidates to bring forth change,hope and unity if not much else. its been years since the public has had voice to the president whether you or anyone else agrees i can guarantee barack would never fly over a state while thousands of people are drowning in flood waters. deny inner city youth programs, college funds and more. i didn’t vote for him just because i thought he’d change the world in his whole term. but because i saw a good man who could bring unity and peace to our country. and that’s why the world loves him and respects him. he symbolizes change. don’t fault him for the fact that people stereo typically believe most people only care about is him being black. ” thats just the obvious” the hand he was dealt. the racist hate him… and the pro black people love him just for his race. but it speaks in levels when you see in countries like china and more that adore him. something they will never see in their own power hungry government. even my own poverty ridden country the philippines where our government is full of corruption – and i see no end to it. aspire to come to america and truthfully believe “anything is possible here” seeing a president of color. so IF HE DOESNT BRING THE CHANGE YOU OR ME IS LOOKING FOR. AT LEAST HE BROUGHT FORTH THE EFFORT,DREAM AND CHANCE FOR EVERY OTHER KID WHO ASPIRES TO BE PRESIDENT TO TRY.

here in the new year

my first post of the year ;]

i haven’t made any resolutions because its usually hard for me to stick to them, id rather just do them.

as i was browsing the net i went back and accessed some of my older accounts on the web. over the years id say ive became more involved in social networks than i ever was from previous years. i personally enjoy meeting people with the same common interests as me and i have met some great long term friends off the net. but im just losing more and more interest in social network sites. id rather use a websites simply for the option of music/photo storage/staying connected with friends. some people don’t have a life outside of the web. quite sad but there is no denying i couldn’t live without the Internet. its my source for good books,music,movies, ect. so you’ll be seeing a lot less of me on social network sites this year.

- myspace – im on myspace because i have most my photos stored on the site than anywhere else on the web. and for the local/foreign musicians, and artist

- facebook – truthfully i hate it. it’s bland and the only reason i joined was to stay connected with friends.

- twitter – my personal web messenger. that’s all it is.

- lastfm – music source.

everything else that i have used is over, i wont be returning or updating any of those sites or creating anymore outside of these.

with that being said i spoke to my 3 favorite people over the phone ;] later new years day. lol no comment on some of the convos but i had a lot of realizations, – coughs

its a new year and im trying to get my ass in gear to be where i wanna be next year. becoming a pastry chef…. and cleansing my heart of old love and trying new things ;]

until next time <3

TOP 5 ALBUMS OF 2009 – MOST ANTICIPATED ALBUMS OF 2010

Mos Def – The Estatic

TOP 5 TRACKS

1. auditorium
2. roses
3. quiet dog bite hard
4. pistola
5. no hay nada mas

K’naan – Troubadour

TOP 5 TRACKS

1. i come prepared
2. fire in freetown
3. america
4. fatima
5. if rap gets jealous

John Mayer – Battle Studies

TOP 5 TRACKS

1. assassin
2. half of my heart
3. edge of desire
4. war of my life
5. do you know me

Alicia Keys – The Element Of Freedom

TOP 5 TRACKS

1. try sleeping with a broken heart
2. un-thinkable ( im ready)
3. like the sea
4. distance and time
5. empire state of mind (part II)

Melanie Fiona – The Bridge

TOP 5 TRACKS

1. give it to me right
2. monday morning
3. johnny
4. sad songs
5. priceless

MOST ANTICIPATED ALBUMS OF 2010

Sade – Soldier Of Love

Corinne Bailey Rae – The Sea

Bambu – Paper Cuts

Immortal Technique – The Middle Passage

Damian Marley – Distant Relatives

The Roots – How I Got Over

- MUST BE SAID. WE LOST OF OF THE GREASTEST ENTERTAINERS OF ALL TIME AND WE NEVER SEE ANOTHER LIKE HIM.

i won’t lie to you and say i saw michael making a come back while he was alive, i simply felt he was an icon and his time with music was over he gave us many great songs he didn’t need to make anymore music as far as i was concern. his music will always be classic for anytime period. he should have been enjoying his life with his family, considering the decade of music and his life he dedicated to music. but fame and the media did nothing but taint/exploit and abuse michael. now everyone screaming ” I LOVE YOU MICHAEL I MISS YOU MIKE” but in the hearts of millions the real fans know who they are. no need to for the fanfare. i love and will miss michael jackson. i didn’t just lose one of my favorite entertainers i lost a part of my child hood dreams. feels like ive aged so much. i asked my mom before what did it feel like when she lost one of her favorite singers like marvin gaye, otis redding….. now i know what it feels like. R.I.P MICHAEL, GOODBYE 2009

“LIVE YOUR LIFE OFF THE WALL” – MJ<3

Let me tell you a story

So this morning i woke up and i made my mom an otis redding mix cd before she headed off to work. last night my sister and i put up the rest of the decorations around the house ;] played with the karaoke machine some. so i finally sat down and watched precious it was a very emotional experience for me because i kept seeing pieces of my life and my family in it…. it hurt to think about those things again here are a few that tie into myself that effected me the most.

precious was raped by her father and had 2 kids. she told daily she was ugly and fat, she dreamed of being “lightskin” and skinny. and also found out after all the fuck up shit that happen to her. she was hiv positive. some of the scenes in the movie where i was out raged and angry i won’t spoil it but i recommend it it’s a great book and great movie.

my mother’s mom was very cruel/evil woman in my opinion when my mother was 9 she met her mother for the first time in her life. she spent most of her life raised by my lola in the philippines then my lola sent her to a trinidadian lady who was a friend of the family for a few years and then finally to new york to meet the rest of her brothers and sisters and mother for the first time.

my aunt dell and my mother share the same mother and father out of the 14 kids my grandmother had all together. there is 5 in all counting my mother who share the same father. my tita dell and my mom spent summers together in the philippines so my mother knew she was her sister. 2 years ago in may my tita lost her battle with cancer. the obvious is stated so let me make my point. my mother stayed in ny until she was 15 my tita was 2 year older she was 18 at the time, my “mother’s mom” chose to offer her daughter up to the current man who was in her life. he has already made 4 kids with her .. he would also beat her. this was one of the last talks we had in the hospital i will never forget that sunday spent with her. she told me how my mother’s mom would dress them up and make them go to parties with him. he wanted to rape my mom but my tita took her place being the protective sister she was. she ended up having 2 kids from this guy who is ” half sisters to her sisters and brothers” and also nieces. what a sick situation. but it all gets worst from here.

5 years ago a cousin of mine was being sexual abused by her mother’s men. she had a child from her father. she was 13 he had just been released from jail and he wanted to meet his “daughter” one of my aunt raises the kid so i heard. but ive wondered what the fuck she must be going through. she’s now 19 or 20 she had her first kid at age 14 she now has 3 and one on the way.

believe me this isnt half of the things my mother and her siblings have suffered through. they have all been abused in some way. mentally,physically, and emotionally. i get so angry sometimes and i just wanna ask “why”. but she’s dead now. and all the pain and abuse she has caused all of her kids has left alot of them in the same cycle and they are still carrying in that pain. i still see it in my mom’s face. she doesnt like to talk about her past much we get to upset and we all cry. she has problems letting her guard down and being emotional but she’s my hero i admire and love her so much she vowed to change her life and be nothing like her pathetic excuse of a mother.

thinking back on all the painful situations

my tito evan who died from aids. he was raped by the pastor who adopted him from my mother’s mom. he got into sex trafficking as kid in the philippines. i still see images of him asa kid and in his “drag queen” persona and i wonder what it would have been like to meet him and hear his story. i’ll never know he died when i was 5 i never got to meet him. but my mother shares stories about him when he comes to her mind.

i think of my aunt maddie who could never have kids who was beaten on and raped as a kid. she lost her husband last year in a motorcycle accident who was like an uncle to me. i admire her. because through it all she still has the strength to keep growing when me personally. i’d give up. she’s been in gang she’s an outcast from most of my family and she suffers from depression but she still finds the time to smile.. and i couldnt tell you how.

my other tita maria who we lost to cancer also she left behind 5 kids who are in a world of a mess without her. she was in my opinion the backbone to our family. she always made sure she took care of her kids and nieces and nephews when their mothers or fathers didn’t she made a home for them. i miss her… because now there is no one whos willing to do any of the things she did

looking back on my life and things ive done and the things some family members are going through or have. i feel like i dont take the time out to appreciate them much. but i will i just have to find a way through the pain

i would not post my mom’s life story in a blog but it’s a book that should be written one day. maybe i will but for now this is just a glimpse in her own personal hell.

biracial beauties

i decided to post a blog about some of my favorite biracial beauties. it’s always interesting to see beautiful people with diversity around the world. you’ve already read about my challenges growing up as a biracial kid, many people share the same similarities and struggles. but enough of the negatives and let’s enjoy some of the beauty ;]

Sade Adu – English-Nigerian

if there was one woman in the world id model my sex appeal after it would be her. i like her sensual subtle beautiful style. one of my favorite singers and women

Amira Ahmed – somali-filipina

- she is up-coming new model  her father is somali and mother is filipina ,she was born in sweden. freshnew face in the modeling industry with a unique biracial background have already read so many hateful comments from her own kind about her. but i love her look and her style. btw i like her better with shorter hair. she has the face of a filipina and a body of a beautiful somali girl. long arms and legs she’s 5″8!

Alicia keys -  Irish, Scottish, Italian / Afro Jamaican

definitely in my top 5 fav singers of all time. i love her style and the way she carries herself in the media and treats her fans. she is someone i admire.

Anya Ayoung-Chee -Chinese,Indian(indo-trinidadian) and Caucasian

MISS TRINIDAD 2008  she is not the traditional trinidadian beauty. some people didnt approve her but she held the title 2 years. she is currently caught up in some sex tape scandal lol. truthfully what you do with your boyfriend is your bizz. i dont care but it seems he made a mistake and someone who was suppose to fix his computer took the file off his computer. outside of her sex tape problems. shes an activist  through out trinidad. because of her lack of funding and support she  never made it to miss universe.  but she still remains of my fav trinidadian beauty queens

PAULA PATTON -  African American and Caucasian

she’s an actress if you didnt know. seen her in hitch ,dejavu, precious ect. i dont know if her an robin thicke are still dating but he made a very touching song to me ” called dream world” talking about a bit of racial discrimination he faced with her ” there would no black or white the world would just treat my wife right.  WE COULD WALK DOWN TO MISSISSIPPI AND NO ONE WOULD LOOK AT US TWICE” she’s already taken on some great roles and wonderful movies and i enjoy her acting ;]

HALLE BERRY – AFRICAN AMERICAN AND CAUCASIAN

one of the first women ive ever looked up to  my favorite actress of all time! shes a mother pushing 50 and still beautiful and talented woman. activist,pro-black, what else is there to say you don’t already know?

Chrishell Stubbs- Caribbean- could be rican also (Turks & Caicos)/Peruvian

insane exotic looks im not sure if she’s 18 or 19 now  but she’s a very young upcoming model one of the new fresh faces

HORNORABLE MENTION

CORINNE BAILEY RAE - Rae was born in Leeds to a Black-Kittitian father and a White-English mother as the eldest of three daughters Rhea Bailey who is an actress and her other sister Candice Bailey. She endured racist taunts on a regular basis as a child; “My sisters and I were different and people used to say, ‘Ah, aren’t they cute, the little chocolate children’, and “look at their hair”. “I know they were only being cute but it was over the top. Then people from other schools would shout, Iraqi and more often ‘Paki’ (a commonly used racist term in the UK) to me because it was the most common racist insult of the time. ‘At least if you’re going to do it, get it right,’ I used to shout back, ‘But my dad isn’t from Pakistan, he’s from St Kitts—so there!’

i love her and her music. ;]

i wanna run

i wanna run

i wanna run until my legs feel numb
my insides feel like a wounded victim
i turned up the volume and start to hum
the beat drums in my ears from my favorite album
im gonna sing so loudly until i feel dumb
this is how i escape to my own freedom
this is what i do when im feeling lonesome
scared that im almost close to rock bottom
i have to get away from this slum
the heart ache feels like venom
it’s slowly poisoning my system
causing my body to shake with a spasm
i refuse to be weak i wont succumb
the worst kind of pain without the symptoms
can’t even talk to tell you whats the problem
searching my soul for some words of wisdom
positive thoughts are very seldom
so i hit shuffle and the song plays at random

“adele – now and then”

Sometimes the hole
You left hurts my heart
So bad it cuts through
The deepest parts of me
And fills up my mouth
With words that I cry
How I’m still trying
To stay inside

Hearts break
And hearts wait
To make us
Grow from dust
Then our eyes cry
And souls sigh
So that we know
That it hurts
Our hearts break
And hearts wait
To make us
Grow from dust
Then our eyes cry
And souls sigh
So that we know
That it hurts

Every now and then
My memories ache
With the empty ideas
Of the ones we’d made
But as time goes on
and my age gets older
I love the ones I know
They’re enough
To picture the rain

Cause heart break
And hearts wait
To make us
Grow from dust
Then our eyes cry
And souls sigh
So that we know
That it hurts
Our hearts break
And hearts wait
To make us
Grow from dust
Then our eyes cry
And souls sigh
So that we know
That it hurts

You know
When to make me
I might
Just your heal

untitled dad

i live with the knowledge that everyday may just be your last

sitting here reminiscing about all the memories of the past

why is time is moving way too fast, glass filled with beer while

your cigarette smoke fills the air you whisper in my ear

“you know i love you right ” and then you hug me tight

drunken words spoken so slow then it’s time for you to go

when will i see you again? i never know, the tears start to flow

missed many years of watching me grow all the things you never got to know.

you were too busy flying and to me you were lying and now you’re dying.

i still remember the first time i saw you crying, was it out of fear or care?

your little brother left you here you had to leave the church just to get away from there

you need another drink your brain is starting to make you think

the pain is too much through the years alcohol and drugs became your crutch

she left you with a broken heart and your tore the family apart.

was sitting here thinking about my father while listening to modern marvel by mos def

wondering about the demons and the pain that must haunt my father inside. my dad

lost his father at a young age.. he was burned alive in a fire never got to meet him but

my mother said he was a really nice man. i cherish many small things i got to share with my father

he was a part time father but at least i knew who he was every moment spent with him we smiled and laughed alcohol is a part of his personality… the first time i seen my father sober he was leaving for work.

gave me a kiss on the forehead and told me he’d see me later by the time he got home he was already drunk. when he’s not drinking he’s very quiet.. its so abnormal i wonder if he could function without it and the weed and whatever else is there his rasta lifestyle has made him free but i still know there is pain inside of him that the eyes could never see….